Dear warrior queens and kings of course,
First of all grab yourself a glass of ginger beer and get comfortable because over the next four days I am going to be publishing a post. These posts will be apart of a four part series focusing on getting and holding onto your own peace of mind. Something that I’m learning to practice consistently….
It’s been a while…
Alright, alright, before we get into the post I can hear you asking “Yo, Tisha where you been though?” and the answer to that question is… Eventhough I don’t owe you an explanation…I’ve been here! I’ve been trying to network in order to build up an #itshermelanin tribe and I feel like I achieved it…somewhat anyway. I’ve also recently gone back to work and uni so getting back into the swing of fulltime plus overtime grind has been a struggle but your girl is getting there.
Why toxic relationships?
TOXIC: causing unpleasant feelings; harmful or malicious.
RELATIONSHIP: an emotional or other connection between people.
So, toxic ROMANTIC relationships have been in the forefront of my mind for years but I didn’t know it. Transparency alert Being slightly naive and a little selfish by letting my body/emotions rule me I haven’t really been good at FULLY closing the door on toxic relationships I have entertained. In short I let my wants overshadow my needs…If only I listened to and trusted myself. Now we can all imagine that one person or few people, whether it romantic, platonic or professional, that are toxic for us. In some cases we may be that toxic person…no judgment.
Blinded by your grace manipulation?
When you’re in a toxic relationship we can sometimes be blinded by the other persons manipulation. What I mean by that is that a person can be abusive emotionally, physically and sexually (not an exclusive list). Yet we let the “but it was my reaction to what you did”or the “but you know I love you”or even the “It won’t happen again” overshadow how much the abuse/toxic actions actually harmed us. We let somebody else’s unhealthy behaviour be excused even if that means our physical, mental and or spiritual health is being compromised or worse damaged. We literally fool ourselves into thinking that THIS IS NORMAL when in reality if a friend, family member or even stranger was in the same situation we would not hesitate to tell them run in the opposite direction. The difference is with our own toxic relationships is that we are IN it and so our other senses are some what switched off.
When we fall in love it releases the same chemical Dopemine that is activated when drugs like cocaine enter the body, you get it now? Falling in love is all good and well when we are in a healthy relationship but when we are not it can be our downfall.
How do I know I’m in a toxic relationship?
This one is tricky and If i’m honest I cant give you an exhaustive list but there are signs, the first one is a persons actions/words:
- Are they physically hurting you? It still counts even if there aren’t any bruises and if they say sorry.
- Are they hurting you with their words? It still counts even if they say they’re joking or say sorry.
The next thing I would look out for is patterns because lets be honest sometimes when it happens once we may be more inclined to look past it but when it happens more than once it sends a funny feeling down your spine.
The third thing is confrontation, when you confront them on their behaviour towards you are they reluctant to hear the truth? Do they get angry? or do they simply sweet talk you?<<<remember when we talked about manipulation?.
Okay, so Im in a toxic relationship. What do I do now?
This is where it gets tricky and this is where your tribe will come into play (if you haven’t already check out my pervious post all about your tribe here). I would strongly advise you to tell someone, anyone because even if you’re not able to get out of the toxic relationship you are in right away then at least someone knows what is going on. Forgive yourself, even though toxic relationships are not good for us they can also seem exciting. Be prepared to walk away AND close the door, meaning; block a number, move out and throw out any reminders.
Some of us do not have a tribe to go to and feel as though it would not be safe to walk away without any physical harm happening to us and if you are in this group of people I would recommend you seek help from a help line like:
If as a result of leaving you are being threatened whether it be face to face through text or unexplained means then do repot it, it does not matter how small it may seem to you it is better to let the police help you.
I have left and now I don’t know what to do?
Leaving can be the first step in a sometimes long road to getting your peace of mind back and if you feel as though you need further help to explore the toxic relationship you was in then I would suggest some type of therapy/counselling. You can go to the BADTH website and find a Dramatherapist in your area.
I hope this wasn’t just a post of me rambling on and I hope you join me tomorrow for another post in the peace of mind series here at #itshermelanin.
Love and peace TishaJayy xxx