WHEN LOVE COMES KNOCKING |PEACE OF MIND SERIES.

Dear warrior queens and kings,

Let us pay homage to the last post in the peace of mind series and have a moment of silence for the fact that this is the last post (sad face)! Let us briefly catch up on what we’ve talked about so far so… on Thursday we went straight in at the deep end and talked about Toxic relationships, on Friday we talked about different types of ride or die relationships and yesterday which just so happens to be my favourite post we talked about the silence and its transformative powers. Time to get stuck into ‘When love come knocking’….Grab your ginger beer and Sunday dinner!

Tisha, Why?

I know in the last post I gave you tips and tricks on re-discovering you but what I need you to understand is that this new level of you will attract new types of people who might be showing you love! It may be romantically, platonically or even business wise but they’re still showing you love/interest in you. I need to make sure that my warrior is open to love and not protecting themselves by being totally switched of because of the fear of repeating what toxic bae brought to your life. Side note I kid you not, I am speaking from experience and probably will need to read this post a couple dozen times.

Letting love in + Vulnerability = Hurt…AGAIN!

We, meaning myself and you have this weird equation in our heads and I don’t know about you but I’ve always been rubbish at maths. Letting love in and being vulnerable may just open up the possibility of being hurt but it also opens up possibilities of new experiences, new love, new faith in people, new growth, new riches and new lessons. It gives us POWER because letting love in and being vulnerable gives us the chance to evolve into the next level of ourselves and to me that sounds exciting. More exciting than being caged in by fear anyway!

What if it hurts though?

Welp, then it hurts! BUT this time you know who you are! You know that it was their loss! And you certainly know that you can easily go back to your self care routine and get back to YOU! Let me go back and not sound so harsh, I’m sorry it hurt and I know it makes you feel like poo and you start contemplating giving up on humans and going to a secluded island with just you and pet ball called Wilson. Stay focused though, theres a whole lot life out there just waiting for you to experience it.

That’s enough…

It has come to that time warriors, I feel like I should write more but to be honest this post is just perfect as it it. Funnily enough it serves as a metaphor for how you should view yourself, warrior you are enough, you are exactly where you need to be and where you need to be is exactly where you are. See you next Sunday for another post!

peace and love TishaJayy xxx

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THE SILENCE | PEACE OF MIND SERIES.

Dear warrior queens and kings,

Thank you, thank you and thank you again for the continued support it means so much to me and you have no idea how much you help to grow #itshermelanin and how much you inspire me to continue writing. So far in the Peace of mind series we’ve talked about toxic relationships and that oh so famous ride or die relationship, if you haven’t managed to catch them just click on the titles and then come back and check out the third instalment in the series.

Great, you’re back … you know what to do grab that ginger beer and get comfy warrior!

The silence 

We’ve all been there…you’ve just broken up with toxic BAE or you’ve just got out of that relationship that wasn’t healthy for your peace of mind but it was hella exciting. It’s Saturday night and you’re wondering why you’re sitting reading a blog rather than being out doing what you and you’re ex toxic BAE did best. The silence is numbing and you’re are bored.. VERY bored, you don’t have your friends to hang out with because you feel like they will feel some type of way because you’re suddenly interested in hanging out with them again.

Call them anyway! Don’t do the silly thing and holla at that toxic ex BAE that you just managed to finally close the door on or worse DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT REPLACE TOXIC BAE with TOXIC BAE 2.0, it’s not worth it! In all seriousness I know it’s hard believe me but you have done so well in trying to get away from them that if you suddenly let them back into you’re life it would destroy all the work that you have done! On a little side note if you’ve let toxic bae back in you need to go back to the first post in the peace of mind series and read it again. I say this not to sound judgmental but I say this as your fellow warrior and if you like, accountability partner. You do not know me personally but I care about you and we both know you deserve better than what toxic bae has to offer you.

But Tisha, the silence is still here…..

And it will be for a while, in fact it is something that you have to get used to and use it as a time to figure out what’s left of you. Think about who you were before you met Toxic bae…did you like the person you was? do you want to get back to that person? or do you want to re-invent yourself? Don’t be rolling you’re eyes at me! I know it seems like the whole DO YOU narrative is over saturated but believe me it’s a narrative that I love! As long as I’m not hurting myself or others.

DO YOU does not translate as DESTROY YOURSELF.

We are big babies, point blank! We don’t get our own way and then we act up. Don’t pretend you’re too nice, we are all guilty of it and it’s because it’s what we did before our lovely caribbean parents “disciplined us” …for those of you that don’t have caribbean parents don’t even worry about it. For real though, take the midlife crisis for example you hit 45 and you decide it’s a great idea to get into race car driving yet you don’t even know how to drive a car with 5 gears, you still pursue race car driving though because you don’t like the fact that you’re getting old. You go through a bad break-up and decide numbing the pain (acting up) with alcohol, sex, over-eating and drugs is the best solution, nah fam too much of something is bad for you.

So, what does DO YOU mean?

DO YOU is basically another way of saying LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE ! Let’s go back to those questions I told you to ask yourself earlier. WAIT! first, grab a piece of paper or bring up the notes on your phone and write them down:

  • Who were before you met Toxic bae.?
  • Did you like the person you was? If yes Why? If no why?

Write down the parts of your old self you would like to keep, the parts you want to grow and the parts you would like to become. Now, stop and take it all in, remind yourself of the person you was or want to be and get back to being YOU, DO YOU and LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE.

I DON’T KNOW WHO I WAS, I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM! 

This may seem like the heartbreaking part but really it is the fun part, this is your chance to really define who you are and aim to be. Start with your core beliefs …Are you a person of faith? What is important in your life? Is there something that you won’t compromise anymore?

Next, think about what you want to start doing for your own self-care… Do you want to start seeing a therapist? Do you want to start journalling? Is the gym a way for you to de-stress? Are you going to start having one night a week where you do a routine of a relaxing bath, candles and some of your fav music?

Last but certainly not least think about the new hobbies you would like to take up. Once you’ve found something of interest i’d suggest doing it alone, get used to your own company and once you’re cool with you invite people or make new friends with similar interests.

Giving back …  

Another great tip for dealing with silence, feeling lost and feeling empty is giving back. I don’t just mean giving money to a charity, that’s great but what’s even better than giving your money? Giving your time! Mentor a younger person in your family or go and volunteer at a school, local charity or even festival. Investing your time and energy into something other than yourself can create a sense of gratitude for the life you have and it can also start to grow your sense of self worth. Best of all you can make a huge positive impact on someone else’s life.

So, warrior …What are you waiting for? Turn the silence into self discovery. That wrap’s up todays blog post warriors, see you tomorrow for our last post in the peace of mind series (sad face)!

Peace and love TishaJayy xxx

 

RIDE OR DIE | Peace of mind series.

Dear warrior queens and kings,

Before you even grab your ginger bear i suggest you check out yesterdays post on TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS….go ahead and then come back to this post.

Good, you’re back so as you can tell from the title of this post we are going to talking about ride or die type of relationships and why I love one type of ride or die over the other type of ride or die.

RIDE: to move along  in any way; be carried or supported.

OR: either …or.

DIE: to cease to live, undergo the complete and permanent cessation of all vital functions; become dead.

Ride or die: popular culture 

Have you heard the term “You my ride or die or nah?” or seen a photo with the caption “My hitta #rideordie”? Too often you say? well, me too. Before all you shade throwers start coming at me with the “Tisha, you just bitter cuz you is single!”, let me just tell you it nuh guh suh. For my non speaking patios warriors that translates as “that is not the case at all”. I have no problem with seeing loved up couples on my timeline but what I do have a problem with is the constant glamorisation of the type of “ride or die” from pop culture.

What you talking about Wilis? Well, what I am talking about is the over force feeding of ‘ride or die’ narrative that says “Imma stick with you no matter what” and the no matter what being abuse, criminal activity or serial cheating (cheating once is not okay but I understand why people forgive, cheating twice YOURRRR OUTT!). We see it in popular music videos like ‘Bonnie and Clyde’ – Beyonce and Jay-z where they are on the run from the po po (a song that 2pac originally created talking about his gun) and I’m sure Bey and Jay did a tour named ‘on the run’. Oh Beyhive sit down, it’s not just them this narrative is sewed into popular culture and a naive, stupid and a lot younger Tisha brought into this idea *currently rolling my eyes at my younger self*.

In short the types of relationship I’m talking about are those toxic ones…check my last post.

Ride or die: the type I like 

So, believe it or not there is a type of ride or die relationship that I do aim for; the one that says I’m here for you emotionally, physically and spiritually, I wont leave you because theres no spark, I wont stop communicating because I’m mad at you, I will still be here for you after you go through your chemo treatment, I want to share how my day has been, I don’t always like you but I will always love you, I’m on my grown folk ish, lets build a legacy…you know the normal struggles not the wannabe in your grave too soon struggles. I know it sounds harsh but I’ve seen too many people waste their lives, time and energy because they wanted to be in the ‘ride or die’ relationship that I first talked about.

Avoiding the wrong type of Ride or Die

Simple. Stay single until you know what you want from a relationship, Don’t adhere to the ‘it’s cuffing season time to settle down’ and settle for less than you’re worth warrior.

Join me tomorrow for post three in #itshermelanin’s peace of mind series.

Love and peace TishaJayy xx

Toxic relationships|Peace of mind series.

Dear warrior queens and kings of course,

First of all grab yourself a glass of ginger beer and get comfortable because over the next four days I am going to be publishing a post. These posts will be apart of a four part series focusing on getting and holding onto your own peace of mind. Something that I’m learning to practice consistently….

It’s been a while…

Alright, alright, before we get into the post I can hear you asking “Yo, Tisha where you been though?” and the answer to that question is… Eventhough I don’t owe you an explanation…I’ve been here! I’ve been trying to network in order to build up an #itshermelanin tribe and I feel like I achieved it…somewhat anyway. I’ve also recently gone back to work and uni so getting back into the swing of fulltime plus overtime grind has been a struggle but your girl is getting there.

Why toxic relationships?

TOXIC: causing unpleasant feelings; harmful or malicious.

RELATIONSHIP: an emotional or other connection between people.

So, toxic ROMANTIC relationships have been in the forefront of my mind for years but I didn’t know it. Transparency alert Being slightly naive and a little selfish by letting my body/emotions rule me I haven’t really been good at FULLY closing the door on toxic relationships I have entertained. In short I let my wants overshadow my needs…If only I listened to and trusted myself.  Now we can all imagine that one person or few people, whether it romantic, platonic or professional, that are toxic for us. In some cases we may be that toxic person…no judgment.

Blinded by your grace manipulation?

When you’re in a toxic relationship we can sometimes be blinded by the other persons manipulation. What I mean by that is that a person can be abusive emotionally, physically and sexually (not an exclusive list). Yet we let the “but it was my reaction to what you did”or the “but you know I love you”or even the “It won’t happen again” overshadow how much the abuse/toxic actions actually harmed us. We let somebody else’s unhealthy behaviour be excused even if that means our physical, mental and or spiritual health is being compromised or worse damaged. We literally fool ourselves into thinking that THIS IS NORMAL when in reality if a friend, family member or even stranger  was in the same situation we would not hesitate to tell them run in the opposite direction. The difference is with our own toxic relationships is that we are IN it and so our other senses are some what switched off.

When we fall in love it releases the same chemical Dopemine that is activated when drugs like cocaine enter the body, you get it now? Falling in love is all good and well when we are in a healthy relationship but when we are not it can be our downfall.

How do I know I’m in a toxic relationship?

This one is tricky and If i’m honest I cant give you an exhaustive list but there are signs, the first one is a persons actions/words:

  •  Are they physically hurting you? It still counts even if there aren’t any bruises and if they say sorry.
  •  Are they hurting you with their words? It still counts even if they say they’re joking or say sorry.

The next thing I would look out for is patterns because lets be honest sometimes when it happens once we may be more inclined to look past it but when it happens more than once it sends a funny feeling down your spine.

The third thing is confrontation, when you confront them on their behaviour towards you are they reluctant to hear the truth? Do they get angry? or do they simply sweet talk you?<<<remember when we talked about manipulation?.

Okay, so Im in a toxic relationship. What do I do now?

This is where it gets tricky and this is where your tribe will come into play (if you haven’t already check out my pervious post all about your tribe here). I would strongly advise you to tell someone, anyone because even if you’re not able to get out of the toxic relationship you are in right away then at least someone knows what is going on. Forgive yourself, even though toxic relationships are not good for us they can also seem exciting. Be prepared to walk away AND close the door, meaning; block a number, move out and throw out any reminders.

Some of us do not have a tribe to go to and feel as though it would not be safe to walk away without any physical harm happening to us and if you are in this group of people I would recommend you seek help from a help line like:

The samaritans 

If as a result of leaving you are being threatened whether it be face to face through text or unexplained means then do repot it, it does not matter how small it may seem to you it is better to let the police help you.

I have left and now I don’t know what to do?

Leaving can be the first step in a sometimes long road to getting your peace of mind back and if you feel as though you need further help to explore the toxic relationship you was in then I would suggest some type of therapy/counselling. You can go to the BADTH website and find a Dramatherapist in your area.

I hope this wasn’t just a post of me rambling on and I hope you join me tomorrow for another post in the peace of mind series here at #itshermelanin.

Love and peace TishaJayy xxx