Hey queens and kings,
The irony of this post is quite funny, why you ask? Well as you know from my very first post, I have planned all of these blog posts in advance so every week I know what I’m writing about. Right now, as touched upon in last weeks post things aren’t great! So I’m here thinking how am I meant to give advice on how balanced I am when I’ve never been so unbalanced in my life! but queens and kings I’ve got something for you, so grab your gingerbeer and get comfy.
As well as all the stress from university and placement, I am also having to search myself. Now, normally I would just have pretended I’d gone deeper into the experiences that have made me (whether it be painful experiences, amazing memories or inspiring situations) and then bury the difficult emotions that may come up as a result. This would create a false illusion in my head that I had dealt with those difficult emotions up until those emotions started to arise again, thus the whole ‘full circle’ heading. Yes I have written some great posts on things to do to keep shalom but I realised today that none of my post actually talk about admitting, facing and exploring difficult emotions (something that Dramatherapy helps with). None of my posts really talk about what fellowship/having that group of friends or one friend that you can spill all to actually does in regards to staying balance (something that my faith has taught me).
If I’m loosing you let me use myself as an example (no you will not be hearing some juicy TishaJayy gossip, umm hmm I see you). I thought I felt more comfortable alone, when in actual fact it’s just a safety net, I also thought that If I didn’t let myself get close to anyone or admit my mistakes to those closest to me it would protect me from being hurt and I also thought that opening up about the rubbishy times would burden the ones I cared about most (all this sound familiar?). Something that also fooled me into feeling ‘comfortable’ with being alone was the fear of being judged (trust me, I consciously thought I didn’t care but when I let my unconscious surface it was staring me on the face). All of this created metaphorical suitcases of emotions and fears I had been carrying around with me and filling up for years, I literally had chains that I didn’t know existed stunting my growth as a woman.
This all meant that I wasn’t able to be the authentic me; I read somewhere that a person has three masks: mask one is how they want the world to see them, mask two is how they want family and friends to see them and mask three is how they are when totally alone. I believe that our true authentic selves is a distorted mixture of all three, character traits or images we aspire to be, values we want to live by and vulnerability we want to be able to feel power from.
I had began to be stuck in a rut of feeling emotions I didn’t like because of experiences I didn’t like and sometimes had no control over. I felt them, I distracted myself from them and then unconsciously I buried and held on to them. I let them become a shadow over my life that I could not escape and every so often that would lead to an eruption.
Now eruptions, historically meant destruction but for me eruptions can mean change. I would erupt (cry, shout, be ill or isolate myself) and not be able to sit with what I was going through. I would be itching for the eruption to stop and not give myself enough time to face it(historically). As of the past two weeks though, I’ve had some news that have caused a build which led to an eruption, I ignored calls and I went into isolation mode. Something changed, I realised didn’t want to be alone anymore, in fact I needed someone to talk to and I felt like God and therapy were leading me to this catharsis (the process of releasing, and therefore providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions). My friend who is basically my sister reached out to me even though I ignored her calls (I did text her to let her know, I just needed to be alone, she did give me time but clearly she was telling me time was up).
After I ignored her call and didn’t text her all week (don’t judge, we usually talk everyday lol)
Her:Bruh, I’m trying to see If you’re alive and kickin
Me: I’m alive and kicking xx
Just disconnecting xx
Her: Are you sure you’re kicking?
I’m like sweet baby Jesus why does this girl know me too well, well I was thinking that anyway. That simple text led to me spilling everything and I’m not talking about the things that happened within the last two weeks, I’m talking about the years of ish I had been keeping between God and myself. Bearing in mind this was all through text, I sent it and was like let me hop in this bath real quick and pretend I didn’t just lay out my soul to her. One hundred and one things were running through my head whilst in the bath: will she still be my sis?, Will she even want to talk to me? and I didn’t think all of this because of who she was but because of my own insecurities I had just let her in on. Then after about 30 mins in the bath I thought ‘This girl is going to turn up at my door innit?’*rolling eyes emotion*(low key feeling loved), my pops shouts up to me saying ‘Someone’s here for you’.
Yup, my amazing friend had drove over to see me, to hold space with me. That single notion ‘hold space with me’ is so powerful. I have never told anyone but God about the things I told her and I was so afraid of what that would mean for our friendship/sisterhood. As I reflect, I realise that I was a afraid of one of the very things I want most in the world and that is to be loved regardless of all my flaws.
So my advice to you on finding balance is my lovely ItsHerMelanin family, find faith in something (for me thats God), find iron that sharpens your iron (friends/family) to confine in and then live authentically. To my girl, who has been my iron from the day I met you, thank you Mo Mo and I only pray that I am/can be the same to you…
Peace and love