Hey queens and kings!!
I’m so sorry for not posting last week but as some of you may already know I was in hospital, I can hear the sympathy crying now thanks you lovely lot. I was in two minds as to whether I should let you guys in on what’s going on with my health and not because I’m trying to be all stush and mysterious but because of the image I wanted to portray for #itshermelanin. As you may also know I want #itshermelanin to be a place that promotes a positive mental health community for women and girls of colour due to the stigma surrounding us when facing mental health issues that people of a different colour/ethnicity would be less likely to face. So I thought sharing something that could upset you or bring you down would bring more harm than good but then I thought of three things:
- Authenticity: I want the voice of #itshermelanin to be as authentic and truthful as possible, I want you guys to view me as a sister.
- Catharsis: within the Dramatherapy discipline catharsis means to release a strong emotions and has the potential to be transformative.
- Testimony: when testimonies are done in a religious setting the purpose is to inspire others with the sharing of your experience, with the hopes that your vulnerability serves as a comforting arm for others that may be in a similar situation to you.
What do all of these have in common?
Authenticity, catharsis and testimony have a few things in common:
- The acceptance of self – the chance for you to face something that you may have not been able to face before hand.
- The acceptance of love – I still believe in the power of love and I don’t mean the type of love that people give to receive but I mean that unconditional love.
- The acceptance of others – whether you like it or not, you doing one of these three things will make you a magnet to people who simply want to help or who simply need someone talk to, embrace them with an open mind.
- Shame – this ones a tough one, no matter how much you DGAF (the F stands for fudge clearly) shame is an experience we all try to avoid so hard, letting go and let the shame flow it helps yo!
- Loss – this one is slightly bitter sweet; you could loose a great deal and sometimes this hurts but with every great loss there is an even greater gain.
- The chance to learn and grow – if you don’t to learn and grow this blog is not for you baby.
But don’t just take me word for it, here comes the catharsis of an authentic testimony (see what I did there, I know you don’t have to say it…I’m a genius HA!)
Why I was in hospital…
I can hear the noses of the preeing ones twitching ahaha… Okay let me be serious. For those of you that can’t handle the grown discussion of a woman’s reproductive system I would advise you to finish here and for those of you that may be triggered when it comes to hospital visits, crazy emotions and blood I would also stop here.
Okay so now you’re all comfortable and ready to let me purge, come leh we do dis (patios). It all started in January I started to get stomach pains, irregular bleeding (yup I am talking about periods, deal with it!) and increased headaches. It then happened again in February and so I went to my doctors and he referred me to have a scan at the hospital before the scan could even come through the post, the pain became unbearable and to cut a long story short I was admitted into hospital. After the most painful and confusing weekend I had in my short 22 years of living it turns out that I have cysts on my ovaries (the mad crazy pain was one bursting), to write about it now still makes me uneasy and I can’t help but think about the 101 questions running through my mind constantly. Will this affect my fertility? What happens when I get the really bad pain again? Will this affect my fertility? Will my doctor give me a follow up appointment? Will this affect my fertility?
You see the pattern? My main concern was will I still be able to have kids? I do not have definite answer and I can only say ‘I think so’. I then also I about my God and how he has a plan for me regardless how my body want to try and play me, I also thought about my God kids, I thought about the endless amount of children in care (I’ve always wanted to adopt, so I felt like this was a confirmation for that) and I also just think about the NOW. Our tomorrows are not promised and so when we are constantly thinking about the future we fail to see the beauty of our NOW experiences. These statements have brought me to a road that I wouldn’t have been on if this happened two years ago, if this happened two years ago I would have turned to other means of coping but in all honesty my faith was a saving grace for me.
Just a quick update on how I’m feeling now greatful, it could have been so much worse and I’ve started to feel even more intentional. I’m just enjoying every journey God brings me on after all every mess has the chance to transform into a blesseing. My God, My god!!
P.s my symptoms are MY symptoms, if you’re worried because you’re experiencing the same go and see your doctor and be greatful. If you feel ready feel free to share your story with the #itshermelanin family or you can direct message me on instagram.
Peace and love
Tisha Jayy xxx