#Itshermelanin THE BOOK promo

Hey warriors,

So, this one is short and sweet….we have promo and yes I have done it backwards but hey, it is what it is! I really hope you enjoy this just over one min teaser for my NEW BOOK #Itshermelanin. so here is is:

peace and love

TishaJayy xx

 

Vacay 2017

So, it’s a gloomy Saturday morning and I’m sat in bed trying to figure out what to blog about. I’ve had writers block or should I say bloggers block for about two weeks now and it’s because I have so much to tell you warriors but I have no idea where to start. See my brain is constantly on 110.5% percent, this unfortunately means that I can become counterproductive because I’m trying to be productive. So, a way that I’ve cleared my mind is to stick to the less frequent micro blogging on #itshermelanin instagram and by journaling (journaling is sometimes better than fried plantain, yup that sweet HA!). So this blog post might be a little all over the place but bare with me and you know the drill grab your ginger beer and enjoy. 

First things first…

Let’s give our re-union a little bit of context, no I’m not being extra this is our lil re-union I feel like I’ve not blogged in 20-30 years and where meeting in our primary school hall having a chat about our lives whilst secretly hoping someone else confesses how much they’ve been struggling too. Okay, okay stop rolling your eyes maybe I am being a little dramatic and making something out of nothing but I’ve missed you warriors. 

Okay, let me actually start. So, I have completed my first year in my master degree in Dramatherapy. Phew, that was probably the single most stressful year in my life I can hear you saying “one little course bruk she suh” which translates as “can’t she handle on little course” but I kid you not been easy. I really want to share more on that but from a professional point of view it’s unethical or child antics so I will just leave my letter of recommendations to do the talking. Another thing I have written a book, now if you’re a warrior you should already know this but if you’re a new warrior then YUP WE HAVE A BOOK! #itshermelanin THE BOOK is now available on amazon or you can just click here. From the book and previous networking in the fabulously transformative theatre world I have been given an amazing opportunity with curve theatre eeek! But more on that a little later in the year. Finally the juice, the big pitch, the meat HAAH 

I finally went on vacation or holiday as us Brits like to call it. I went away with my mom and it was totally opposite to a normal holiday because 2017 had wore us both down so all we wanted was sun, beach, good food & limitless reading time. I literally wanted the holiday to re-charge my batteries and that’s exactly what I did. I also came to a conclusion about myself……

Self awareness…

After a rollercoaster of a conversation with my mom I realised that facing your flaws isn’t as scary or self-destructive as I thought. Confronting your flaws my seem scary and I’m not going to sell you a might want to shout, cry or hide in the darkest corner of the longest room you can possibly find but something else happens too. You simply grow, how I can best way I can illustrate this is by reminding you of that seen in the film The grinch, yup I was the grinch (gotta love that film), my heart expanded, knowcked me off my feet and had me thinking and later acting in ways I never thought I would again. Through facing apart of myself that wasn’t very pleasant I realised that trusting people is okay, don’t get me wrong it will hurt and it may even break you a little but buy using golden glue and giving yourself time to heal you can turn that pain into something beautiful. 

Golden glue…

So, I read somewhere that somewhere in the world (excuse my ignorance) that they fix broken pottery with liquid gold and remember that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. This prompted me to think about the situations that have broken me …had I fixed myself with liquid gold? A year or so ago I would have said no but now, after this holiday, deep self examination and awareness I can honestly say yes. Even though you can see my cracks, I’m okay with that I’m okay with you knowing I used to be broken but I hope that you can look at me and think isn’t the repair of a broken thing beautiful. 

What defines beauty?

According to the dictionary (app of course) the 5th efinition down is: An individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace; charm: a vivid blue area that is the one real beauty of the painting. So, beauty is one single thing about us that makes you look twice. It does not have to be physical it does not have to be by somebody else’s standard but by your own standards. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, beauty is yours to define.  

This could be a whole debate, I could literally go on for hours debating beauty and it’s many contexts. But for now I will let you face your flaws, heal from them & flaunt your golden crafted cracks. 

P.s the featured picture for this post was when we’re above the clouds OMG!!

Peace and love warriors 

TishaJayy xxx

#itshermelanin THE BOOK 

#itshermelanin the book is now available to purchase on Amazon warriors! <<<CLICK RIGHT THURRR! 
The book focus’ on growing up in Britain as a young black women of Caribbean decent; the chapters focus on fact and fictional experiences that are not only my own but also other people’s experiences too. 
There are themes of Queendom, love, sex, God, faith & coming of age. Here your voice through the countless voices in this book and enter world that is either very familiar or incredibly new 🌸🙌🏾
Peace and love 

TishaJayy xx

Waiting ? For why?

Hey beautiful Queens and kings,

I hope your week went well and If your 9-5 is at a school (like me) I hope you’re ready to enjoy this half term, to my fellow educators we earned it! You should know the deal by now, grab a ginger beer and get comfy because we’re about to go deep this week!

Drawn out?

How many of you guys have bee feeling like you’ve been drawn out from everything you once found fun, exciting or felt like you needed? Just in case you can’t see it my hand is up HA. I have been stripped of everything I was leaning on for my happiness, everything but my faith.

Reflecting I had realised that my bodily health went pear shaped, my job was up in the air because I didn’t know if I would have been able to work the days I would be available next academic year, I don’t have a man in my life, I’m unsure If I can have kids, I had lost people in my life who I cared about deeply and I also felt like I had no one to lean on or moan to (see my last post about my tribe). Now If you have read last weeks post you will know that I felt alone and in being alone I have felt drawn out from my crutches; those things/people I leaned on when I needed support.

Your past is….your past.

I know you’re thinking *cue the attitude* ‘Your past is your past? you don’t say’ but bare with me. I know that we all SEE that our past is our past because that’s what time and dates tell us BUT our need to LIVE in our past is VERY REAL. It’s like for some reason (whether you’re christian or not) we love to cling onto our past and we love to remind ourselves of what happened a week ago, a month ago or even year ago. We all seem to want the break through in our lives yet we don’t how to break free of our past experiences which are now serving as chains rather than spring boards into our blessings. Okay, hold up! For those you that think your poop smell like roses *rolling eyes* read the next part of this blog post with an open heart. So, you and your old friends have drifted apart and when I say drifted I mean God has drawn you out. Then, God brings you a new friend and you don’t want to get to know this friend because he/she doesn’t fit into what you USED to do with your OLD friends the one God drew you away from. A few weeks later you go and be talking to God like ‘why have you made me lonely? I want to be a godly woman/man but I don’t have no one who is like minded. God please send someone who is like me’.

This new friend that God has blessed you with wants to do things that you say you want to do but you aren’t active in doing them and so in your arrogance you swerve Gods blessing. YUP, BIG MISTAKE.

Living in the present!

To live in the present we must let change of ‘self’ happen and listen to what God is trying to tell us. For those of you that are like “How do I know what God is trying to tell me?”:

  1. Make sure you are in constant communication with God, it can be through prayer, journalling and praise (build a relationship).
  2. Make sure what you think God is telling you aligns with the bible (the truth), Im not saying that God will tell you to do wrong things..I’m telling you the enemy will try sneak in smelling of sweetness.
  3. Be still and wait (whilst you wait fasting is great, it can be traditional fasting from food but what helps me is fasting from things like TV, social media and sometimes certain places/people).

The wait is a major key!

Us 21st century humans love to get results fast, we seem to think that we should get things in a microwaved fashion. What we fail to realise is that sometimes microwaved things don’t always taste great and the quality isn’t as great as it could of been if it was oven made. In waiting God gives us direction and guidance from the holy spirit, I mean If Jesus was led into the wilderness by the holy spirit we sure can humble ourselves to be guided by it too. When we are waiting we may be being tested not necessarily by God but more so by the enemy; a big example of the in the bible is Jobs story. This is not a test to determine that we are not worthy of Gods love but is a testing of our faith both when we have ‘worldly wealth’ and when we are faced with a storm.

Waiting can also serve as preparation for your next season, God needs you to wait and seek him at deeper level so that he can prepare you for your future. God will never give us something that that we cannot handle (by his strength of course), he will not send us in blind, he is our biggest supporter and encourager and he is for us not against us.

So, the next time God draws you out to call you to wait make sure you listen and be disciplined in doing so.

“Be still and know that I am God. I will exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalms 46:10

Peace and love

TishaJayy xxx

 

 

What tribe? Trust who?

Hey Queens and kings,

It’s nearly Monday and some of you, like me are thinking urgh! I spent the whole weekend working or studying *rolling eyes emoji* where was my tribe at? Do I even have a tribe? and then something called trust or lack of comes creeping into your mind. Yup I’m going there! So, grab your ginger beer guys and get ready to feel some type of way!

Me, Myslef and I…

Fortunately I have a great tribe which consists of some amazing friends and family but because I’ve got so much on my plate at the moment I rarely have ‘Me time’ let alone time to socialise. This being said I always try to whatsapp/text or snap them once a week. It also means that when I don’t do that I start to think ‘hold up, this friend didn’t bother checking in on me’ or ‘Are they really my friends?’. I start going into ‘I can do good all by myself’ mode, I see you …don’t act like you don’t do this too.

But then, the worst happens and by the worst I mean; the essay you’ve been working on didn’t save properly, someone ate that food you’d been saving or you didn’t get the job you wanted even though you know you smashed the panel. Suddenly, ‘I can do good all by myself’ mode doesn’t seem too pretty and you start to want someone who you can talk rubbish to at 3am, someone who is there when you get rushed into hospital or that friend who is your Iron and edit reads the first draft of your book that is coming out at the end of June (Shameless plug alert HA). Shockingly, I becomes much more damaging than self, Tisha what are you even talking about?!

The self and I…   

These are my thoughts on the self and I, so bare with me Queens and Kings! So in my opinion, ‘I’ is the part of us that turns what we think is self love into something more damaging. For example we (me included) let past hurts make us have trust issues and so we stop ourselves from getting close to people (our view of self love) God has put in your life for a reason and so we end up lonely, get it? We are too afraid of things of this world and unaware of Gods divine plan for our lives and how he makes things work together for our good.

Whereas the ‘Self’, again in my opinion, is the part of us that is constantly evolving. The part of us that listens to God and gives people a chance to get close to us, the part of us that through the storms allows God to provide us with a tribe that will be there for us when we need them and lastly it’s the part of us that pours into other people.

God and therapy… 

I’ve talked about God a lot in this post because I’d be so low, if I didn’t have God in my life, it may seem crazy to you but my relationship with God sustains me through everything I go through. This world throws so much at me and sometimes really tries to make my faith weak but knowing I have God gives me the peace of mind that I’ve always needed. Without even knowing it, God and my faith has been apart of my therapy for a long time. Therapy as I’ve explained before was something that I thought only people who thought they had ‘problems needed’, as a part of my course I  have to have some form of arts therapy. Oh my, how it made me really get to know the ‘I’ part of me. Therapy is allowing me to be confronted by parts of myself I didn’t know I had or chose to ignore and God and my faith are giving me the love, safety, power and confidence I need to re-align myself. It’s very hard for some people to understand but both have helped me navigate through this temporary time I have.

Ending note … 

Let God establish your tribe and don’t let the enemy attack it. – TishaJayy

peace and love TishaJayy

Being single, struggle or nah?

Dear Queens and kings,

I hope your week has been good and If it hasn’t then I’m sorry, lets try and make next week better. If you’re a regular you know what to do, grab your ginger beer and get comfy but If you’re new I suggest you go and read some earlier posts and posts that give you a little bit of insight about my last few months.

You’re back! Great….

So, this week I want to talk about being single… I can hear some of you saying “For, why?!” and to that I say because there seems to be a negative stereotype attached to being single and a woman (I mean, I am one so I should know).

Does single mean you’re too picky and too independent?

It seems that as society progresses women are having babies at a later age and are choosing to focus on their career before starting a family. I am one of those women and yes I am only 22 but the constant reminder that ‘I need to settle down soon before my time runs out’ is deafening loud. Apparently ‘a young woman like me should have a gang of men lining up’ and it’s not that I don’t have potential men that I could date, its just that none of them are what I need/deserve. I have kissed a few frogs and the more frogs you kiss the more you realise theres a perfectly imperfect prince God is setting aside for you.

Now, don’t get me wrong sometimes I’m like “God, everybody is settling down; getting married and having babies and then there is me getting too excited when the waiter brings out my food”. Sometimes it’s a little upsetting/irritating and can seem to appear unfair that you are the only single person in social situations.

On the other hand I get to develop more, I get to do what I want when I want. I could book a holiday, change my career or buy a new car without having to worry about anyone else. The most important thing I have been able to do is find God which has meant that I have then found myself.

Does that mean you don’t want a man?

Bruh? Come on now, of course I’d love to be with someone and build our future together but at the same time I am slowly starting to realise that this ‘single season’ should be met with 24/7 work rate (in all areas of my life). I’m constantly working and trying to evolve into the woman God desired me to be. So, If God brings him my way then I wouldn’t complain but I’m focused on building right now.

To wrap this one up I’m going to leave you with a question:

What are you building?

Peace and love,

TishaJayy xxx

May 7th – Waiting, creating and letting go.

Dear Queens and Kings,

It’s been a long time beautiful people and I have so much to tell you. You know the drill grab a ginger beer and get comfy.

Waiting….

The truth is that I had to wait to post because of so many reasons, I mean I could have posted for postings sake and gave you guys posts upon posts of rubbish or I could have waited and gave you something worth reading.

Another reason that I was waiting to post was because I had writers block something that I just couldn’t kick, I knew what I wanted to write about but to be honest I had no idea how to start it.

The last reason is that I NEEDED a break and you may be thinking but Tisha, you had a break! and to answer you I had a break but that break was spent catching up with uni work and this break was partly spent catching up but also finishing the first draft of my BOOK! Yes, you read it properly I have written a book. Writing a book is a personal dream of mine that has been in the pipelines for the past 2/3years but there will be more about that in the following weeks.

Creating….

The process of writing a book is exciting, tiring, fulfilling, emptying, empowering, condemning and like that breath you take when you emerge from the water when swimming. I spent hours writing, editing and deleting content, I had to search through old journals of mine and literally inspire myself and the most hard part of all was reliving all the experience that were ones I had totally forgotten about because of the pain they caused me.

The reliving of the pain also made me very uninspired and it was not until coming to the end of finishing my book that my flame for writing was relit; THE PIA TOUR. To those of you that don’t know what the Pia tour is… I am truly disappointed in you, instead of me FANGIRLING click here to watch he promo vid for the Pia tour.

The Pia tour is a poetry concert/theatrical performance by Ezekiel Azonwu, Janette…Ikz, Preston Perry and Jackie Hill-Perry. It was amazing and woke me up to the work I still had to do.

Creating this book was a process that turned me fearful because suddenly I was writing about my faith and myself in an unapologetic authentic way. I was taking the very things that make me and putting them on a platform that means that people will see right through me and it simply meant that I became vulnerable. Being vulnerable was a state that I hated wholeheartedly but now, vulnerability means power, growth, humility, testimony, truth and it means letting go of promises made by the enemy within.

Letting go…  

Wanting to let go of doubtful voices from within and outside means that I was/am being led by faith and faith alone. Faith that God will send the holy spirit to make me bold and confident in the work that I do to bring people into Gods fatherly arms. Letting go gave me focus and purpose and meant that I had a lot more energy to spend living out my God given purpose.

It also meant that I got to set 3 goals for April/March:

  1. Make my body clock wake me up at 6.30am.
  2. Sort my eating out; fast food, high sugars and stupid amounts of meat were literally feeding my cysts (check out my last post for more info about my cysts).    
  3. Work my butt off.

Body clock = 6.30am

For why?!?! because my brain goes overtime constantly, I made a plan that meant If utilised my week days more I would not feel exhausted when it came to the weekend. This theory of mine actually worked and now (even though I’ve just finished catching up) means that i’m up to date with my what was once LONG to-do-list and I don’t feel as if I have no time to myself anymore. I mean Yes the majority of my time is taken up with #itshermelanin, my masters degree and work but I am happy with those choices.

Sorting out my eating!

I don’t know if you guys know this but I LOVE FOOD! No, I mean I literally used to idolise food, so much so that it was making my body unwell (feeding my cysts). Now making false idols of anything is totally stupid and I’ve changed my diet by dulling my taste buds; no I’m not going to tell you exactly how because I am a student Dramatherapist and writer not a doctor or nutritionist. What I did/currently doing is well researched and is working for my body type, I will give you a hint I am leaning towards a more natural way of eating.

Working hard!!

This one took a lot of self reflection, advice from mentors and talks with my mom. It killed me because as far as I was concerned I was working to my limit but my mom knew I could give it a bit more. This is not to say she didn’t appreciate how much I had worked but that she believed in my capabilities If I just pushed myself a little more.

The greatest pieces of advice that I got was:

  1. Don’t work for someone else all day and not work on your dreams, give your dreams at least an hour of your time each day.
  2. Be your biggest critic but don’t be a perfectionist, your work is your work be proud that you made it.
  3. Set your own standard and make your own way of doing ‘it’ what ever ‘it’ is.
  4. Be prepared to get disheartened, for people not to like every think you do and for some people to just not get it.
  5. Have a plan and set achievable goals.
  6. At those times you think ‘you can’t do it’ BELIVE that God can.

Until next time you beautiful people,

peace and love

TishaJayyy xxx

But God…

Dear Queens and Kings,

As promised there is a new season here at #itshermelanin and Yes it’s April fools but no this not a joke! This is for real, #itshermelanin is coming at you with a new season of content, hopefully encouraging you to have positive mental health and doing so by the grace of God.

Check out the video below, I present But God…..

Thank you God, peace and love TishaJayy xxx

Catharsis

Hey queens and kings!!

I’m so sorry for not posting last week but as some of you may already know I was in hospital, I can hear the sympathy crying now thanks you lovely lot. I was in two minds as to whether I should let you guys in on what’s going on with my health and not because I’m trying to be all stush and mysterious but because of the image I wanted to portray for #itshermelanin. As you may also know I want #itshermelanin to be a place that promotes a positive mental health community for women and girls of colour due to the stigma surrounding us when facing mental health issues that people of a different colour/ethnicity would be less likely to face. So I thought sharing something that could upset you or bring you down would bring more harm than good but then I thought of three things:

  1. Authenticity: I  want the voice of #itshermelanin to be as authentic and truthful as possible, I want you guys to view me as a sister.
  2. Catharsis: within the Dramatherapy discipline catharsis means to release a strong emotions and has the potential to be transformative.
  3. Testimony: when testimonies are done in a religious setting the purpose is to inspire others with the sharing of your experience, with the hopes that your vulnerability serves as a comforting arm for others that may be in a similar situation to you.

What do all of these have in common?

Authenticity, catharsis and testimony have a few things in common:

  • The acceptance of self – the chance for you to face something that you may have not been able to face before hand.
  • The acceptance of love – I still believe in the power of love and I don’t mean the type of love that people give to receive but I mean that unconditional love.
  • The acceptance of others – whether you like it or not, you doing one of these three things will make you a magnet to people who simply want to help or who simply need someone talk to, embrace them with an open mind.
  • Shame – this ones a tough one, no matter how much you DGAF (the F stands for fudge clearly) shame is an experience we all try to avoid so hard, letting go and let the shame flow it helps yo!
  • Loss – this one is slightly bitter sweet; you could loose a great deal and sometimes this hurts but with every great loss there is an even greater gain.
  • The chance to learn and grow – if you don’t to learn and grow this blog is not for you baby.

But don’t just take me word for it, here comes the catharsis of an authentic testimony (see what I did there, I know you don’t have to say it…I’m a genius HA!)

Why I was in hospital… 

I can hear the noses of the preeing ones twitching ahaha… Okay let me be serious. For those of you that can’t handle the grown discussion of a woman’s reproductive system I would advise you to finish here and for those of you that may be triggered when it comes to hospital visits, crazy emotions and blood I would also stop here.

Okay so now you’re all comfortable and ready to let me purge, come leh we do dis (patios). It all started in January I started to get stomach pains, irregular bleeding (yup I am talking about periods, deal with it!) and increased headaches. It then happened again in February and so I went to my doctors and he referred me to have a scan at the hospital before the scan could even come through the post, the pain became unbearable and to cut a long story short I was admitted into hospital. After the most painful and confusing weekend I had in my short 22 years of living it turns out that I have cysts on my ovaries (the mad crazy pain was one bursting), to write about it now still makes me uneasy and I can’t help but think about the 101 questions running through my mind constantly. Will this affect my fertility? What happens when I get the really bad pain again? Will this affect my fertility? Will my doctor give me a follow up appointment? Will this affect my fertility?

You see the pattern? My main concern was will I still be able to have kids? I do not have definite answer and I can only say ‘I think so’. I then also I about my God and how he has a plan for me regardless how my body want to try and play me, I also thought about my God kids, I thought about the endless amount of children in care (I’ve always wanted to adopt, so I felt like this was a confirmation for that) and I also just think about the NOW. Our tomorrows are not promised and so when we are constantly thinking about the future we fail to see the beauty of our NOW experiences. These statements have brought me to a road that I wouldn’t have been on if this happened two years ago, if this happened two years ago I would have turned to other means of coping but in all honesty my faith was a saving grace for me.

Just a quick update on how I’m feeling now greatful, it could have been so much worse and I’ve started to feel even more intentional. I’m just enjoying every journey God brings me on after all every mess has the chance to transform into a blesseing. My God, My god!!

P.s my symptoms are MY symptoms, if you’re worried because you’re experiencing the same go and see your doctor and be greatful. If you feel ready feel free to share your story with the #itshermelanin family or you can direct message me on instagram.

Peace and love

Tisha Jayy xxx

 

 

Balance

Hey queens and kings,

The irony of this post is quite funny, why you ask? Well as you know from my very first post, I have planned all of these blog posts in advance so every week I know what I’m writing about. Right now, as touched upon in last weeks post things aren’t great! So I’m here thinking how am I meant to give advice on how balanced I am when I’ve never been so unbalanced in my life! but queens and kings I’ve got something for you, so grab your gingerbeer and get comfy.

Full circle

As well as all the stress from university and placement, I am also having to search myself. Now, normally I would just have pretended I’d gone deeper into the experiences that have made me (whether it be painful experiences, amazing memories or inspiring situations) and then bury the difficult emotions that may come up as a result. This would create a false illusion in my head that I had dealt with those difficult emotions up until those emotions started to arise again, thus the whole ‘full circle’ heading. Yes I have written some great posts on things to do to keep shalom but I realised today that none of my post actually talk about admitting, facing and exploring difficult emotions (something that Dramatherapy helps with). None of my posts really talk about what fellowship/having that group of friends or one friend that you can spill all to actually does in regards to staying balance (something that my faith has taught me).

If I’m loosing you let me use myself as an example (no you will not be hearing some juicy TishaJayy gossip, umm hmm I see you). I thought I felt more comfortable alone, when in actual fact it’s just a safety net, I also thought that If I didn’t let myself get close to anyone or admit my mistakes to those closest to me it would protect me from being hurt and I also thought that opening up about the rubbishy times would burden the ones I cared about most (all this sound familiar?). Something that also fooled me into feeling ‘comfortable’ with being alone was the fear of being judged (trust me, I consciously thought I didn’t care but when I let my unconscious surface it was staring me on the face). All of this created metaphorical suitcases of emotions and fears I had been carrying around with me and filling up for years, I literally had chains that I didn’t know existed stunting my growth as a woman.

This all meant that I wasn’t able to be the authentic me; I read somewhere that a person has three masks: mask one is how they want the world to see them, mask two is how they want family and friends to see them and mask three is how they are when totally alone. I believe that our true authentic selves is a distorted mixture of all three, character traits or images we aspire to be, values we want to live by and vulnerability we want to be able to feel power from.

I had began to be stuck in a rut of feeling emotions I didn’t like because of experiences I didn’t like and sometimes had no control over. I felt them, I distracted myself from them and then unconsciously I buried and held on to them. I let them become a shadow over my life that I could not escape and every so often that would lead to an eruption.

The eruption

Now eruptions, historically meant destruction but for me eruptions can mean change. I would erupt (cry, shout, be ill or isolate myself) and not be able to sit with what I was going through. I would be itching for the eruption to stop and not give myself enough time to face it(historically). As of the past two weeks though, I’ve had some news that have caused a build which led to an eruption, I ignored calls and I went into isolation mode. Something changed, I realised didn’t want to be alone anymore, in fact I needed someone to talk to and I felt like God and therapy were leading me to this catharsis (the process of releasing, and therefore providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions). My friend who is basically my sister reached out to me even though I ignored her calls (I did text her to let her know, I just needed to be alone, she did give me time but clearly she was telling me time was up).

Change

After I ignored her call and didn’t text her all week (don’t judge, we usually talk everyday lol)

Her:Bruh, I’m trying to see If you’re alive and kickin

Me: I’m alive and kicking xx

        Just disconnecting xx

Her: Are you sure you’re kicking?

I’m like sweet baby Jesus why does this girl know me too well, well I was thinking that anyway. That simple text led to me spilling everything and I’m not talking about the things that happened within the last two weeks, I’m talking about the years of ish I had been keeping between God and myself. Bearing in mind this was all through text, I sent it and was like let me hop in this bath real quick and pretend I didn’t just lay out my soul to her. One hundred and one things were running through my head whilst in the bath: will she still be my sis?, Will she even want to talk to me? and I didn’t think all of this because of who she was but because of my own insecurities I had just let her in on. Then after about 30 mins in the bath I thought ‘This girl is going to turn up at my door innit?’*rolling eyes emotion*(low key feeling loved), my pops shouts up to me saying ‘Someone’s here for you’.

Yup, my amazing friend had drove over to see me, to hold space with me. That single notion ‘hold space with me’ is so powerful. I have never told anyone but God about the things I told her and I was so afraid of what that would mean for our friendship/sisterhood. As I reflect, I realise that I was a afraid of one of the very things I want most in the world and that is to be loved regardless of all my flaws.

FIN

So my advice to you on finding balance is my lovely ItsHerMelanin family, find faith in something (for me thats God), find iron that sharpens your iron (friends/family) to confine in and then live authentically. To my girl, who has been my iron from the day I met you, thank you Mo Mo and I only pray that I am/can be the same to you…

Peace and love

TishaJayy xx