Setting boundaries |#ITSHERMELANIN

PROVERBS 25:28  – I realised that the reason that the boundaries I set for myself and others were not respected because I had low self-control.

28″ A person without self control is like a city with broken-down walls.”

Hey warriors,

This week we are going there and I know some of you have already got your tea thinking hmm theres about to be some good gossip. Well, no I really want to talk about this because It seems that when speaking to the people around me this was a common theme; especially in regards to the area of Christian relationships. So, grab some green tea or water infused with some juicy fruits and get comfy……

The Cycle

Nope I’m not about to talk about periods but that is apart of the problem too. Anywhooooo I’m talking about my relationships; platonic, romantic and family wise. Even though in previous posts I have stated that I prefer to be a lone wolf, I was and still am blessed with a wealth of relationships. When in these relationships I would be great at setting the boundaries and voicing my problem with the way people were treating me and in an ideal world that would be the solution but this is not an ideal world.

Unfortunately, people will continue to push you, challenge you and sometimes hurt you. Whether it’s intentional or not it does happen and will continue to happen. That being said you do have the power to change that. How do you ask?

Setting boundaries Vs keeping them

I recently learnt that setting boundaries and keeping them were two very separate things. Setting them looks like ‘this is me and this is what I don’t like and this is what I do like’. This is something that was easy to me as It was apart of a healthy relationship. Whereas keeping the boundaries you set looks like ‘I told/shown you who I am, you do not respect that so I am either going to have to walk away or distance myself from you’. This is the VERY difficult part for two reasons:

  1. Walking away from someone you love whether platonic or romanic can be heartbreaking and sometimes life changing.
  2.  Keeping your boundaries could mean that the other person is not happy or (in their eyes) you are letting them down.

The solution

I have realised that setting my boundaries and then sticking to them has meant that the people who were meant to stay in my life have. These relationships have not just been one sided, they have been relationships where both have had the chance to grow. Don’t get me wrong you still have disagreements and it is not all roses but the boundaries are se and are kept.

I Know this posts will help at least one of you warriors. I got you, we got us!


Peace and love TishaJayy xx




Hey warriors,

So this month I wasn’t going to post anything because I started a new placement and was going to focus on giving all of my time and creative energy to that. The placement is going great and I’ve been itching to start writing on the blog again, BAM here we are. Rather than grab your ginger beer, today grab your green tea or water infused with fruit and get comfy yo!

What is this WAKANDA you speak of?

First of all have you been living under a rock? and second what are you doing with life If you have not yet seen this progressive, transformative and DOPE ASS film?!? The film that I am talking about is the incredible Black Panther; a film that has re-birthed the representation of black women, black men and dark skin pride. Black panther is based upon a place called WAKANDA which is a futuristic fictional place in Africa, the film depicts this futuristic place in Africa as a richly cultural sure, family centred and fierce place. Even though you warriors know that I have always been big on how much representation matters this film literally had me, as a proudly dark skinned 23 year old woman, build a new sense of self esteem and respect for myself. I was blessed enough to always love my African Caribbean culture and have never had a problem with being so melanin rich but that is not the case with all dark skinned people and this film has pushed the love of our own dark skin to the forefront of reclaiming our positive sense of identity. I am going to break this film down, so if you do not want spoilers I suggest you gweh and come back when you have watched the film.

Warrior black women

In my eyes the black women that I have been blessed to have apart of the village that raised me are warriors because they are simply thriving black women, in their own rights, within a system that was not made for their progression and advancement. So let me tell you warriors when I saw that Okoye and the Dora Milaje were the general and her army I almost cried, I’m serious, I had tears in my eyes. My thought process was not even comprehendible; they were strong, loyal and honest black women with dark skin and ready to protect WAKANDA at all costs! The black sisterhood was more than women holding hands and smiling, it was my life is your life and our lives are their lives type vibes.

Black girls and STEMM

SHURI, who is now my favourite princess and unknown to her my adopted sister ha is the incredible mind behind the STEMM (science, technology, engineering, maths and medicine) of WAKANDA and Black Panthers baby sister. Not only does the love she has for big brother warm the hearts of every sibling in the audience but it also gives black girls who are into STEMM the universality of realising that there is a space for them in an overwhelmingly white male space and that they can be in that space knowing that they belong. Shuri is also used as the carrier for the films incredibly upfront humour, she gives one liners like ‘Don’t scare me like that, coloniser’ or ‘great, another broken white boy for me to fix’ and has the audience either in stitches or a bit shocked. She is undoubtedly a phenomenal woman shattering glass ceilings and destroying the stereotypes of what it is to be a black girl/woman and we LOVE her. Did I mention Tony Stark has nothing compared to our Princess Shuri?!?

Black love

The truth of black love is something that is embedded in unconditionality, sacrifice and sheer bravery. I could talk about the oppression we as a people have fought in order to preserve and practice black love, I could talk about the broken hearts of the mothers and fathers that have had their sons and daughters murdered because of the colour of their skin and I could talk about the systematic break down of the black family but that, even though VERY real, is for another post. In Black Panther we see T’challa and Nakia’s romance as a symbol of passion, courage and compromises. T’challa freezes when he firsts sees his love again and that is because of the beauty that a black woman holds. Throughout the film we see T’challa and Nakia wanting to be side by side but Nakia knows that she has a calling she must fulfil; not only does she communicate this to T’challa (putting her work before love) but T’challa understands and finds a way for her to do both. This very dynamic reinforces that the old stereotype of woman having to sacrifice one for the other is one that does not have to play out like that.

Another love that we see play out is the love between general Okoye and W’kabi, in the penultimate scene where both of their armies are fighting each other, we see W’kabi putting down his weapon to avoid fighting the love his life because sis Okoye let it be known she was fighting for WAKANDA. This highlights the level of loyalty Okoye has to WAKANDA and the king T’challa but also gives the audience yet another narrative of black women who work hard for their career and refuse to let love ruin that, a narrative that is usually assigned and celebrated in men.

Brotherhood within WAKANDA

One of the opening scenes captures T’challa’s ceremony of becoming kind and within this ceremony he is stripped of the Black Panthers abilities and challengers are called to try and gain the throne. The only challenger that step forward is M’Baku, let’s just ignore the fact that he is slept on in the mits of all the Michael. B Jordan hype, he fails to overthrow T’challa and in a twist of events we see that he actually saves T’challa after he is beaten by Killmonger. He could of left T’challa for dead but instead we see two powerful men who were once rivals come together to protect their own. Let that just sit with you for a sec. if we really deep it we see that there is a message to our young kings and that message his pretty self-explanatory.

That is all!

Too conclude, this film has done more for the people in terms of sense of self, creating new narratives and positive stereotype killing representation than any Marvel film I have ever watched. The actors in the film have portrayed these new positions of power in such a culturally aware way and Ryan Coogler who directed, writen and produced the film has created a time capsule that will be key to opening up conversations and creating action. Let us not forget Roxane Gay Best-selling author and the more than amazing mind behind Black Panther: World of WAKANDA who without her none of this would even be possible. Pay credit where credit is due. Thank you Roxane !

Hope you enjoyed this months post,

Peace and love

Tisha Jayy xx


Hey warriors,

So another week has gone by and I’m still not a millionaire *insert rolling eye emotion*. I’m trying something a little different this week? Why I hear you ask? because this right here, #ITSHERMELANIN, is my world HA. Nah, I’m only joking I just wanted to share a few things that have been paramount to my January.

If you know me…

Books are my thing, you know that one thing that you do in your down time. That one thing that allows you to escape from the mind numbing illusions of this thing we call reality. Well, yeah books are my thing (along with the gym, poetry and writing). My reading interests can be anything from academic, plays, fiction, non-fiction and but not limited to magazines. Before you carry on reading if books in no part interest you I suggest you open that small mind of your or be gone!

Now that the real warriors are reading lets carry on with this weeks riveting post….

  1. Eating in the light of the moon by Anita Johnson, PHD

This book is about personal growth and disordered eating, it was recommended to everyone on my Masters course and I have to say even though I have not been diagnosed an eating disorder it has changed my view on my own relationship with food. It has also redefined how I navigate through life with a new awareness of my feminine energy. I know, I know it sounds airy fairy but seriously grab yourself a copy and you will know exactly what I mean.

2. IT by Stephen King

If you have not heard of this book (now major motion picture) then and I’m sorry but have you been living under rock ?! This book is about our fears (IT) lurking waiting to appear and devour us from the shadows. Terrifyingly intriguing right? Now, I have been reading this for the last couple of months…. not because of how thick it is (which it is) but because of the fact that it is not only a horror but it is also written amazingly and I have a VERY vivid imagination! It actually scares me HAHA.

3. Happy The journal by Fearne Cotton 

No! No! No! It is not as ‘self-love consumer baity’ as it sounds. This was a gift for christmas and along with the other books I got it is my favourite. Everyday you get the chance to journal and to help you think of topics/themes or feelings to write about you are given a little encouragement. For example today’s is: ‘The end of this month can be tricky as the credit card bills flood in! Don’t feel alone; open that post and be aware of how it makes you feel.’ . The book offers the person journaling the chance to think about everyday life and just be present in how they felt in that experience. So far the previous days have been better but I guess you’re going to have to go and buy the book to find out if I’m telling the truth or not.

4. #ITSHERMELANIN the book by TishaJayy

Don’t look at me like that! If you can’t mention your own book on the very blog that helped inspire it ….are you even your own biggest fan?! In all seriousness warriors I read my collection of poetry for the first time since publishing and I really enjoyed it. Okay, anything I say will just sound bias because I wrote it but head over to my poetry Instagram to get sneak peaks and you will want to buy the book. To those of you that have already brought a copy thank you for your support and I love you !

I hope this post inspires you to go out and find a great book to read. see you next week warriors!

I got you, We got us.

Love TishaJayy xxx

30 before 30 | #ITSHERMELANIN

Hey warriors,

How’s your week been ? Good? Not so good? Plain old crappy? Now if you answered yes to the last two questions don’t stop reading, I’m not about to tell you to BE HAPPY or MAKE A CHANGE, I am simply here to say its cool to just feel crappy sometimes. Now that I have let you know I’m not some sort of ‘be happy programmer’, grab your ginger beer and get comfy.

Why this post?

So, as I am getting older and myself and the people around me are changing and going through different life changing events I started to look at my life and think what do I want to do before I turn the big 30. I know God laughs at the plans we make but just humour me warriors. I decided to split it into three categories:


  1. Buy a house: there are currently some houses being built near my parents and before any building of the houses started I took myself to go and view the show rooms as a little push to what I am aiming for.
  2. Get married: now this ones totally out of my control and to be honest I sometimes question whether marriage (in the westernised traditional sense) is for me. Don’t get me wrong I want to meet my king and build a legacy with him but the show that marriage is is not one that I am buying into. Future hubby if you’re reading this you better just propose already HA!
  3. Have me some chocolate babies! I wan’t children, no doubt about it. I don’t think this needs any explanation, so I will leave it at that.
  4. Master how to make pasta: from scratch, Don’t ask why!
  5. Learn to speak fluent Spanish.
  6. Learn to play an instrument.
  7. Sky dive.
  8. Go skiing.
  9. Do ultimate rock climbing.
  10. Go to an AFRO-PUNK event.


  1. Paris
  2. Amsterdam
  3. Vegas
  4. Cuba
  5. Venice
  6. Cape town
  7. St kitts and Nevis
  8. New york
  9. Antigua
  10. Canada


  1. Finish my masters degree: as you regulars may know I am currently studying for my masters degree to become a qualified Dramatherapist and even though I aim to graduate this academic year LIFE happens.
  2. Write at least two more books.
  3. Make a documentary type movie.
  4. Open my own therapy practice/ have a creative studio to do all my writing.
  5. Have my own successful mentoring programme.
  6. Have a touring theatre production.
  7. Become a qualified Doula.
  8. Find a great balance between work and play.
  9. Start a Non-profit.
  10. Enjoy the process and the destination equally.


The funny thing is warriors I looked back on my goals for 2017 and I failed miserably! I am so determined to make this year be VERY different but Gods plan will always trample mine. Let’s see what the next 6 and half years will bring.

I got us, We got us.

Love TishaJayy xxx



Hey Warriors,

I hope your week has been well and If you haven’t already make sure you check out my last post which was about welcoming 2018, changes and things I am going to embrace. If you are a regular you will know the drill…grab a ginger beer and get comfy.

Dramatherapy MA

Some of you may know that I am currently studying for my masters degree in Dramatherapy; no that does not mean I will become a drama teacher and no I don’t teach people how to act. Dramatherapy is the use of dramatic tools in therapeutic intervention; that sounded really clinical but explaining more would only confuse things, lets keep it short and simple.


As a apart of my Dramatherapy Masters I have to complete a module called independent study, I.S for short. As apart of the module we have to pick a research topic and for the assessment I have to do a performance, critique and VIVA. This really overwhelmed me at the start of the academic year but the more research I do the more I am getting lost in the world of academia (Tisha, who are you becoming exactly?!).

My research area

I have decided to focus on the exploration of my identity as a black british Caribbean second generation immigrant through the medium of poetry, mouth full I know. Try going deep with it, at times it can be so much more worse. It’s funny because I’ve researched into this area before, well socially anyway, for my book #ITSHERMELANIN but looking at academic research on the area of being a black woman trying to navigate in this society is somewhat heart breaking. The pressure felt to succeed in a western culture that is not built for you or at least for people who look like you is so heavy. Before you are even born, as a black woman you’re expected to be okay with the twisted stereotypes and simply existing can be a face ache!

Imagine trying to actively preserve the history of black people and the childhood of your  children …before they are even born. Imagine not having the simple privilege of the truth of your history being documented properly. Nah, I can’t get too deep on you guys. Just know that If you are not from the same or similar background as myself then you simply can’t imagine it. Be touched by it maybe but understand never.

NOT all doom and gloom!

So far I have described this research project as heartbreaking, a face ache and heavy to name a few. But what I have not told you warriors is that it is also a chance for me to say NO to stereotypes and live as authentically me (whoever that is). I’m not sure what conclusion I will come to or if there is even a conclusion (I think not) but I will enjoy it, in between the all nighters and tears screaming WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF!!

Anyway warriors, that’s it for this weeks post. Comment below if you have any opinions on this topic, are studying or simply want a chat.

I got you, we got us.

Love TishaJayy xxx



Bye 2017, Ayy 2018

PSALM 46:9,10 – During 2017 I had fully believe in the fact that I could rest in God. It took a while but I did and it healed me!

9″He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. 10Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Hey warrior,

I am back and happy New Year, I hope the first few days in 2018 have given you the push you need to make the change and start the growth you need for your 2018. So, if you’re a regular here then you’ve noticed the new look, looks good ennit? And if you follow the Insta then you you’ve been apart of the 12 days of christmas right? Again, good ennit! HA

You know what I’m going to say next….grab your ginger bee and get comfy! This post is going to be about saying goodbye to 2017, mistakes and welcoming 2018 with a loose outline for what I want to achieve in my 2018!

2017 BE GONE…

If you’ve been here from the start then you will know how much of struggle 2017 was for me. The bad health; physically and mentally, the feeling lost, the academic issues and the family issues. More or less everything that could have gone wring last year did! Towards the end of the year October time I was just like ‘what’s next yo?’ and there was a lot to come. It got to the point where my blogposts were all just too negative. Yes, I got a lot of feedback because you warriors appreciated my honesty and some of you even said it made you feel as though you are not alone (PRICELESS) BUT … I was getting sick of reflecting on blogposts and feeling as though there was not a lot IN them. Thinking about it now I think that says more about me than it does about the blog posts. What I’m trying to say is that I’m glad to see the back of 2017.


The personal growth was on 100%; I have learnt so much about my own flaws, vulnerabilities and who I am or who I want to evolve into. I took time out to actually practice self love, something that I am gladly going to take into 2018 with me. I learnt that in order for people to respect me I needed to physically write down my own boundaries for relationships (platonic/romantic) and then STICK TO THEM! I fell back in love with reading and researching; the amount of books and articles I got lost in in NOV/DEC – now is heartwarming (to me anyway).

The highlight though was THE BOOK, my baby LOL #ITSHERMELANIN the book opened so many doors for me and is allowing new connections to be made as we speak. To you the connections may not seem big but to me it gives me a happily overwhelming feeling of ‘being capable’ of reaching my dreams and thriving in them.


I AM BEYOND EXCITED. Not because I am a new me but because I am an evolved me! I’m still Tisha Jayy but… now i’m Tisha ‘I GOT YOU, WE GOT US’ Jayy, if you know you know. I have written down a manifesto for 2018 in my journal, if you don’t have one I suggest you get one, trust me they are a game changer! In short my goals involve researching/writing the next book, networking, graduating, solo travel/travel in general, practicing self love, knowing and remembering I am capable, falling in love (don’t roll your eyes FAM), not being so hard on myself when I make mistakes, cultivating friendships and relationships with family members and being active in work and physical/mental health.

My posting schedule will be as follows one per week and on a sunday. The topics will be around; faith, Dramatherapy, lifestyle & monthly favs. I plan to stick to this schedule and see where it takes me, it may change depending on life but you got me for another year, so have the gingerbeers ready.

I know things will change for me, for the better, in 2018 and I welcome it with open arms… mi ready! I don’t know what else to say to you warriors, apart from let 2018 know who you are !!

I got you, we got us, peace and love

TishaJayy xx




Dear warrior queens and kings,

Let us pay homage to the last post in the peace of mind series and have a moment of silence for the fact that this is the last post (sad face)! Let us briefly catch up on what we’ve talked about so far so… on Thursday we went straight in at the deep end and talked about Toxic relationships, on Friday we talked about different types of ride or die relationships and yesterday which just so happens to be my favourite post we talked about the silence and its transformative powers. Time to get stuck into ‘When love come knocking’….Grab your ginger beer and Sunday dinner!

Tisha, Why?

I know in the last post I gave you tips and tricks on re-discovering you but what I need you to understand is that this new level of you will attract new types of people who might be showing you love! It may be romantically, platonically or even business wise but they’re still showing you love/interest in you. I need to make sure that my warrior is open to love and not protecting themselves by being totally switched of because of the fear of repeating what toxic bae brought to your life. Side note I kid you not, I am speaking from experience and probably will need to read this post a couple dozen times.

Letting love in + Vulnerability = Hurt…AGAIN!

We, meaning myself and you have this weird equation in our heads and I don’t know about you but I’ve always been rubbish at maths. Letting love in and being vulnerable may just open up the possibility of being hurt but it also opens up possibilities of new experiences, new love, new faith in people, new growth, new riches and new lessons. It gives us POWER because letting love in and being vulnerable gives us the chance to evolve into the next level of ourselves and to me that sounds exciting. More exciting than being caged in by fear anyway!

What if it hurts though?

Welp, then it hurts! BUT this time you know who you are! You know that it was their loss! And you certainly know that you can easily go back to your self care routine and get back to YOU! Let me go back and not sound so harsh, I’m sorry it hurt and I know it makes you feel like poo and you start contemplating giving up on humans and going to a secluded island with just you and pet ball called Wilson. Stay focused though, theres a whole lot life out there just waiting for you to experience it.

That’s enough…

It has come to that time warriors, I feel like I should write more but to be honest this post is just perfect as it it. Funnily enough it serves as a metaphor for how you should view yourself, warrior you are enough, you are exactly where you need to be and where you need to be is exactly where you are. See you next Sunday for another post!

peace and love TishaJayy xxx


Dear warrior queens and kings,

Thank you, thank you and thank you again for the continued support it means so much to me and you have no idea how much you help to grow #itshermelanin and how much you inspire me to continue writing. So far in the Peace of mind series we’ve talked about toxic relationships and that oh so famous ride or die relationship, if you haven’t managed to catch them just click on the titles and then come back and check out the third instalment in the series.

Great, you’re back … you know what to do grab that ginger beer and get comfy warrior!

The silence 

We’ve all been there…you’ve just broken up with toxic BAE or you’ve just got out of that relationship that wasn’t healthy for your peace of mind but it was hella exciting. It’s Saturday night and you’re wondering why you’re sitting reading a blog rather than being out doing what you and you’re ex toxic BAE did best. The silence is numbing and you’re are bored.. VERY bored, you don’t have your friends to hang out with because you feel like they will feel some type of way because you’re suddenly interested in hanging out with them again.

Call them anyway! Don’t do the silly thing and holla at that toxic ex BAE that you just managed to finally close the door on or worse DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT REPLACE TOXIC BAE with TOXIC BAE 2.0, it’s not worth it! In all seriousness I know it’s hard believe me but you have done so well in trying to get away from them that if you suddenly let them back into you’re life it would destroy all the work that you have done! On a little side note if you’ve let toxic bae back in you need to go back to the first post in the peace of mind series and read it again. I say this not to sound judgmental but I say this as your fellow warrior and if you like, accountability partner. You do not know me personally but I care about you and we both know you deserve better than what toxic bae has to offer you.

But Tisha, the silence is still here…..

And it will be for a while, in fact it is something that you have to get used to and use it as a time to figure out what’s left of you. Think about who you were before you met Toxic bae…did you like the person you was? do you want to get back to that person? or do you want to re-invent yourself? Don’t be rolling you’re eyes at me! I know it seems like the whole DO YOU narrative is over saturated but believe me it’s a narrative that I love! As long as I’m not hurting myself or others.

DO YOU does not translate as DESTROY YOURSELF.

We are big babies, point blank! We don’t get our own way and then we act up. Don’t pretend you’re too nice, we are all guilty of it and it’s because it’s what we did before our lovely caribbean parents “disciplined us” …for those of you that don’t have caribbean parents don’t even worry about it. For real though, take the midlife crisis for example you hit 45 and you decide it’s a great idea to get into race car driving yet you don’t even know how to drive a car with 5 gears, you still pursue race car driving though because you don’t like the fact that you’re getting old. You go through a bad break-up and decide numbing the pain (acting up) with alcohol, sex, over-eating and drugs is the best solution, nah fam too much of something is bad for you.

So, what does DO YOU mean?

DO YOU is basically another way of saying LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE ! Let’s go back to those questions I told you to ask yourself earlier. WAIT! first, grab a piece of paper or bring up the notes on your phone and write them down:

  • Who were before you met Toxic bae.?
  • Did you like the person you was? If yes Why? If no why?

Write down the parts of your old self you would like to keep, the parts you want to grow and the parts you would like to become. Now, stop and take it all in, remind yourself of the person you was or want to be and get back to being YOU, DO YOU and LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE.


This may seem like the heartbreaking part but really it is the fun part, this is your chance to really define who you are and aim to be. Start with your core beliefs …Are you a person of faith? What is important in your life? Is there something that you won’t compromise anymore?

Next, think about what you want to start doing for your own self-care… Do you want to start seeing a therapist? Do you want to start journalling? Is the gym a way for you to de-stress? Are you going to start having one night a week where you do a routine of a relaxing bath, candles and some of your fav music?

Last but certainly not least think about the new hobbies you would like to take up. Once you’ve found something of interest i’d suggest doing it alone, get used to your own company and once you’re cool with you invite people or make new friends with similar interests.

Giving back …  

Another great tip for dealing with silence, feeling lost and feeling empty is giving back. I don’t just mean giving money to a charity, that’s great but what’s even better than giving your money? Giving your time! Mentor a younger person in your family or go and volunteer at a school, local charity or even festival. Investing your time and energy into something other than yourself can create a sense of gratitude for the life you have and it can also start to grow your sense of self worth. Best of all you can make a huge positive impact on someone else’s life.

So, warrior …What are you waiting for? Turn the silence into self discovery. That wrap’s up todays blog post warriors, see you tomorrow for our last post in the peace of mind series (sad face)!

Peace and love TishaJayy xxx


RIDE OR DIE | Peace of mind series.

Dear warrior queens and kings,

Before you even grab your ginger bear i suggest you check out yesterdays post on TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS….go ahead and then come back to this post.

Good, you’re back so as you can tell from the title of this post we are going to talking about ride or die type of relationships and why I love one type of ride or die over the other type of ride or die.

RIDE: to move along  in any way; be carried or supported.

OR: either …or.

DIE: to cease to live, undergo the complete and permanent cessation of all vital functions; become dead.

Ride or die: popular culture 

Have you heard the term “You my ride or die or nah?” or seen a photo with the caption “My hitta #rideordie”? Too often you say? well, me too. Before all you shade throwers start coming at me with the “Tisha, you just bitter cuz you is single!”, let me just tell you it nuh guh suh. For my non speaking patios warriors that translates as “that is not the case at all”. I have no problem with seeing loved up couples on my timeline but what I do have a problem with is the constant glamorisation of the type of “ride or die” from pop culture.

What you talking about Wilis? Well, what I am talking about is the over force feeding of ‘ride or die’ narrative that says “Imma stick with you no matter what” and the no matter what being abuse, criminal activity or serial cheating (cheating once is not okay but I understand why people forgive, cheating twice YOURRRR OUTT!). We see it in popular music videos like ‘Bonnie and Clyde’ – Beyonce and Jay-z where they are on the run from the po po (a song that 2pac originally created talking about his gun) and I’m sure Bey and Jay did a tour named ‘on the run’. Oh Beyhive sit down, it’s not just them this narrative is sewed into popular culture and a naive, stupid and a lot younger Tisha brought into this idea *currently rolling my eyes at my younger self*.

In short the types of relationship I’m talking about are those toxic ones…check my last post.

Ride or die: the type I like 

So, believe it or not there is a type of ride or die relationship that I do aim for; the one that says I’m here for you emotionally, physically and spiritually, I wont leave you because theres no spark, I wont stop communicating because I’m mad at you, I will still be here for you after you go through your chemo treatment, I want to share how my day has been, I don’t always like you but I will always love you, I’m on my grown folk ish, lets build a legacy…you know the normal struggles not the wannabe in your grave too soon struggles. I know it sounds harsh but I’ve seen too many people waste their lives, time and energy because they wanted to be in the ‘ride or die’ relationship that I first talked about.

Avoiding the wrong type of Ride or Die

Simple. Stay single until you know what you want from a relationship, Don’t adhere to the ‘it’s cuffing season time to settle down’ and settle for less than you’re worth warrior.

Join me tomorrow for post three in #itshermelanin’s peace of mind series.

Love and peace TishaJayy xx

Toxic relationships|Peace of mind series.

Dear warrior queens and kings of course,

First of all grab yourself a glass of ginger beer and get comfortable because over the next four days I am going to be publishing a post. These posts will be apart of a four part series focusing on getting and holding onto your own peace of mind. Something that I’m learning to practice consistently….

It’s been a while…

Alright, alright, before we get into the post I can hear you asking “Yo, Tisha where you been though?” and the answer to that question is… Eventhough I don’t owe you an explanation…I’ve been here! I’ve been trying to network in order to build up an #itshermelanin tribe and I feel like I achieved it…somewhat anyway. I’ve also recently gone back to work and uni so getting back into the swing of fulltime plus overtime grind has been a struggle but your girl is getting there.

Why toxic relationships?

TOXIC: causing unpleasant feelings; harmful or malicious.

RELATIONSHIP: an emotional or other connection between people.

So, toxic ROMANTIC relationships have been in the forefront of my mind for years but I didn’t know it. Transparency alert Being slightly naive and a little selfish by letting my body/emotions rule me I haven’t really been good at FULLY closing the door on toxic relationships I have entertained. In short I let my wants overshadow my needs…If only I listened to and trusted myself.  Now we can all imagine that one person or few people, whether it romantic, platonic or professional, that are toxic for us. In some cases we may be that toxic person…no judgment.

Blinded by your grace manipulation?

When you’re in a toxic relationship we can sometimes be blinded by the other persons manipulation. What I mean by that is that a person can be abusive emotionally, physically and sexually (not an exclusive list). Yet we let the “but it was my reaction to what you did”or the “but you know I love you”or even the “It won’t happen again” overshadow how much the abuse/toxic actions actually harmed us. We let somebody else’s unhealthy behaviour be excused even if that means our physical, mental and or spiritual health is being compromised or worse damaged. We literally fool ourselves into thinking that THIS IS NORMAL when in reality if a friend, family member or even stranger  was in the same situation we would not hesitate to tell them run in the opposite direction. The difference is with our own toxic relationships is that we are IN it and so our other senses are some what switched off.

When we fall in love it releases the same chemical Dopemine that is activated when drugs like cocaine enter the body, you get it now? Falling in love is all good and well when we are in a healthy relationship but when we are not it can be our downfall.

How do I know I’m in a toxic relationship?

This one is tricky and If i’m honest I cant give you an exhaustive list but there are signs, the first one is a persons actions/words:

  •  Are they physically hurting you? It still counts even if there aren’t any bruises and if they say sorry.
  •  Are they hurting you with their words? It still counts even if they say they’re joking or say sorry.

The next thing I would look out for is patterns because lets be honest sometimes when it happens once we may be more inclined to look past it but when it happens more than once it sends a funny feeling down your spine.

The third thing is confrontation, when you confront them on their behaviour towards you are they reluctant to hear the truth? Do they get angry? or do they simply sweet talk you?<<<remember when we talked about manipulation?.

Okay, so Im in a toxic relationship. What do I do now?

This is where it gets tricky and this is where your tribe will come into play (if you haven’t already check out my pervious post all about your tribe here). I would strongly advise you to tell someone, anyone because even if you’re not able to get out of the toxic relationship you are in right away then at least someone knows what is going on. Forgive yourself, even though toxic relationships are not good for us they can also seem exciting. Be prepared to walk away AND close the door, meaning; block a number, move out and throw out any reminders.

Some of us do not have a tribe to go to and feel as though it would not be safe to walk away without any physical harm happening to us and if you are in this group of people I would recommend you seek help from a help line like:

The samaritans 

If as a result of leaving you are being threatened whether it be face to face through text or unexplained means then do repot it, it does not matter how small it may seem to you it is better to let the police help you.

I have left and now I don’t know what to do?

Leaving can be the first step in a sometimes long road to getting your peace of mind back and if you feel as though you need further help to explore the toxic relationship you was in then I would suggest some type of therapy/counselling. You can go to the BADTH website and find a Dramatherapist in your area.

I hope this wasn’t just a post of me rambling on and I hope you join me tomorrow for another post in the peace of mind series here at #itshermelanin.

Love and peace TishaJayy xxx